5.12.10

I know, it's technically the 13th but I didn't think to post before this.

I'm an emotional eater. And a bored eater. And a "I have nothing else to do so I may as well" eater. Which is not good for me. Cos I've put back nearly 15 pounds where they'd so happily come off. And it's making me angry at myself, thinking I can't change anything so why even try? I can't control my financial/employment situation. I can't control being single (at least I don't think I can). But I sure-as-hell should be able to control my weight.

Why is it so much easier to fantasise about the way you'd like to look, how life would be if you were a size (insert insanely ridiculous number here), how much happier you'd be? Do you ever pick an outfit up in a shop, imagine how you'd look in it, then go try it on and want to cry and throw it on the floor and jump up and down on it in despair only you don't cos you'd have to see yourself in your skivvies in the full-length mirror under harsh lighting? (and it'd muck the item up for the lucky sod who would fit into it and look nice) I do that. In my mind, I don't look nearly this bad. Then I get in front of that mirror and I know hate. Despair. Rage. Sadness.

I often wonder if life will get any better. Some part of me does still believe it will, but some days, it's all I can do to hold on to that. While praying for a friend today, I thought, "Lord, please speak, for we want to hear. If You do not fill the silence, we will hear those we should not and listen to those we must not." It's true. So often my ears are filled with "you're not good enough" and my eyes are assaulted with "you don't look like this." The natural conclusion? I believe I am not good enough, that I will never deserve to look nice in a bathing suit (or, indeed, nothing at all), that I will never have a man look at me and say "you're beautiful and I love you and I want you" (in whichever order). And I know it's ridiculous to set all this down for people to read, but sometimes you just have to say/write what you feel. And this is what I feel. That I will never have those things. But I want them. Sometimes, I do feel like I deserve them. That I am a damn good catch and someone would be lucky to have me. I can cook. I'm witty. I'm intelligent, curious, excitable, giving, spiritual, seeking, wanting more, loyal, and passionate (or at least I would be if I felt comfortable with *him*). Loads more but one doesn't like to brag. =) I believe there's more out there, that the world is a beautiful, terrifying, mad place. There have been sooo many changes in the last few years, and I'm thankful for almost all of them. I'm not at the place Nouwen said we must be when we can be thankful for everything that happened to us, for that's what made us who we are. I'm getting there, though. And I need to make more changes. I can keep up with something for a few weeks, but I do get easily distracted and discouraged. The joy of being an ENFP. And a cancer. Interesting mix, that. But then, if you're reading this you probably know me and would agree I'm a bit off.

Mum's starting this medical weight loss thing with injections and vitamins and doctor visits and it costs a right fortune and I turned down her offer to pay for me to do it. I feel like, for me, that'd be cheating. Of course, if she drops 40 pounds in 3 months or something I might have to reevaluate my position. But I want to earn it. Get back to counting points or whatever, keeping track of what I eat, deciding if it's wise to eat the packet of Maltesers taunting me in the ethnic food aisle at Publix (where, frankly, I should not be allowed to go cos it reminds me of the shops in London and I miss them so), and running. I loved the running.

I think my imagination will have to help me out with this some more. The old (well, from September) trick of imagining I've been separated from the Doctor and I have to get to him by crossing some alien city or desert or rainforest. Have to keep walking. Keep running. Keep trying. Cos he's worth it. I'm worth it.

And we have to have a picture of David Tennant, just cos he makes me feel better.

Oh, and food I ate on 12th May...

1 cup of Fiber One Caramel Delight cereal with a splash of milk (2% cos Bridgette refuses to go to 1% or skim and it's killing me)

1.5 slices of pork tenderloin in this lovely lemon garlic marinade

1 serving of the frozen Green Giant Weight Watchers 1 point niblets in butter sauce that is actually so very good I almost heated up another

.5 cup green beans

.5 fried chicken breast

1 spoon mashed potato

1 spoon green bean casserole

1 piece of pizza (that I regretted immediately)

1 spoon cornbread pudding thing that I want to find out who makes it cos I love it and needs must have the recipe for myself

1 pirouline cookie

1 of Kirsta's cookies

1 small sliver of key lime pie (love the stuff)

1 100 calorie ice cream sandwich

At least the Quality Street's gone. That stuff's addicting. And I won't allow myself to buy anymore.