5.20.10

Not my best day, but I have several reasons for this. Excuses, and sad ones, but at least I'm being honest.

The interview... I have no idea how it went. I gave the best answers I could, and I have to trust that that's enough and if I'm meant to have it, I'll have gotten it. I will admit to crying and shouting "You can't do this to me, please please please" when the internet connection died and I had to spend 20 minutes scrambling to re-establish contact and finish the interview. I apologis/zed and we carried on. So... I don't know. The interviewer said I'd be informed of "the statutes" of my application within two working days. I had to giggle at that. Of course, I'd love for it to be a positive outcome but I must prepare myself if it is not.

So that was part of the reason for the not-so-good habits today. While the interview was going on via IM, I had 20 mini pretzels and 2 large glasses of water.

The rest of the day:
1 WW frozen ziti dinner
2 (the last 2) Cadbury biscuits
2 peanut butter cookies
3 very small tacos but I put a lot of lettuce on them
1 cup of sweet tea (Gerald wanted to make a fresh pot so I took one for the team and finished what was left in the pitcher)
1 spoonful of brownie batter
1 small-ish bar that was odd mix of brownie and chocolate chip cookie

So yeah, it was not the best day. But I'm blaming stress and being a girl and sympathy eating. In good news, I'm down 2 pounds... Although after today, maybe not. OH, and I did go for a walk with Mum for 40 minutes last night. Forgot about that. We wanted to get out of the house and she felt awful for eating pan-fried pork chops. She's pleased with herself, though, cos today she didn't go over on her portions and finished the day with a balance of 125 calories and 3 grams of fat. I'm a bit jealous, though, since her pills sort of suppress her appetite. Maybe I'll nick some...

5.19.10

Okay. Breathe. Have interview for amazing job that hopefully will change life as I know it. Set up computer for Skype to do it, and am ready for it. I think. Have been assured of prayers and good cosmic vibes.

Food:
.75 cup Fiber One cereal
1 Cadbury biscuit
1 cup of rice
.5 cup of orange chicken
2 peanut butter cookies (and a bit of dough...)
1 chicken tender
2 chunks sweet potato, 1 chunk potato, 2 carrots, and 1 piece of chicken in a stew
1 small spoon green bean casserole
1 small spoon homemade macaroni cheese (have you figured out my favourite food ever yet?)
1 wedge roasted potato
2 glasses unsweet tea
4 glasses water

5.18.10

Day 1 of the new regime. Spent the day cleaning the rest of the house, doing laundry, then watching The Young Victoria with Mum. Love it so much, and would like to swap figures with Emily Blunt.

Food for today:
.75 cup of Fiber One cereal with splash of skim milk
1 apple (really must scrub skin better or peel cos makes lips tingle when finished and would much rather have tingly lips from something other than pesticide)
1 salad (romaine, spinach, almonds, cranberries, feta, balsamic vinaigrette)
3 oz. baked chicken
.75 cup 2% macaroni cheese (had to finish off the lot and is okay in the program)
1 Cadbury chocolate biscuit (that's a new record, just having the one)
3 oz. orange chicken and .5 cup sticky rice (from Wanchai Ferry box and can I say... excellent alternative to Chinese takeaway) with .25 cup of peas sprinkled in (sounds weird, I know, but actually quite good)
1 strawberry whole fruit popsicle
2 cups of tea (1 Lady Grey and 1 Earl Grey each with 1 packet of Truvia and a splash of milk in)

All in all, an excellent day's progress. Mum ate much the same, only having her doctor's suggested chocolate milk drink thing in the morning.

5.17.10

Monday... Saw me doing a lot of cleaning round the house then grocery shopping with Mum. She's starting her diet tomorrow after getting her injections of something today. We decided to set up a sort of experiment. I know it would work better if we were the same height and weight, but we're not so we'll not be entirely accurate in our findings. She's doing the diet with the injections and pills. I'm doing the diet by itself. Of course, we'll both be exercising. Let's see how it goes...

Today's food:
1 cup Fiber One caramel delight cereal with a splash of milk
2 slices chicken breast
.25 cup 2% macaroni cheese
.5 cup pasta with .25 cup sauce, handful of 2% mozzarella cheese
1 v.v. slice of garlic bread made with Smart Balance spread
2 Cadbury chocolate biscuits
1 cup sugar free vanilla Jello pudding

Exercise:
cleaning the house

5.16.10

Sunday. All in all, a good day. Church, lunch with friends, telly... Wishful looking on the internets.

Today's food intake:
1 can V8 Fusion (good for 1 serving of fruit and 1 serving of veg)
1 v. small chocolate chip muffin (it was that or bacon and I figured I made the wiser choice)
.40 salad of arugula, goat cheese, candied walnuts that were practically burnt so I didn't eat but 2 of them dressed in a light citrus vinaigrette (I figure this is good for at least 2 servings of veg even though I didn't eat the whole thing cos it was huge)
1 apple with schmears of peanut butter
2 handfuls cheesy snack mix of pretzels, mini Doritos, Sun Chips, and Cheetos
5 chicken nuggets
.25 cup macaroni cheese (but made with 2% milk)
yet another salad this time of spinach and romaine and iceberg lettuces with slivered almonds, dried cranberries, and feta dressed in balsamic vinaigrette
3 chocolate covered peanuts
1 cuppa Earl Grey with a splash of 2% milk and 1 packet Stevia (the stuff is brilliant)

5.15.10

Had an absolutely lovely day out with Rhonda here in Charleston. Lunch, then a meeting of the Jane Austen Society, finishing with a yummy caramel light frap.

The dream job... I'm quite hopeful and optimistic and can say I've never prayed so hard for anything. Tonight I checked my e-mail and there was a request for an application to be mailed back. I did that, and am now eagerly awaiting good news. Cos God can do it. And if He doesn't... there's got to be something better.

Food for today...

.67 repeating of a very nice club sandwich but I just couldn't finish it and the

.65 serving of perfectly-seasoned chips

several glasses of water

1 cup of this lemony-limey water thing at the JAS meeting

1 caramel light frap

1 burger with provolone cheese and 3 slices of lettuce on

.25 cup of beans

a dozen potato chips but they were very small save 2

a bag of low-fat microwave popcorn

1 can of fresca (must have carbonation with popcorn while watching telly)

1 100 calorie ice cream sandwich

Had good chats re: weight and diet today, and have more to think about and act on.

Also, wonder if River Song kills a future (or past?) version of The Doctor cos in tonight's episode, it is revealed that she was in prison for killing a man. A good man. The best man she'd ever known. So... that's my prediction.

Also also in an interesting place in Jasper Fforde book, and think would like being a LiteraTec if in fact I could live in Fforde's mad world. Or maybe I should just marry a Welshman so I could have a fun name with double fs or ds. I'd settle for that.

I'll end now with a picture from the dream job location. It's very happy.

5.13.10

Thursday. One of my favourite days of the week, actually. Not sure why, but it is.

Found some more jobs to apply for online: 2 in London and 1 in Oxford. Would be lovely, getting any of them.

Today's activity was baking mini brownies for Bridgette's school art show.

Food for the day:

1.5 pieces of leftover pork

2 trays of the 1 point wonder corn (1 at lunch, another at supper)

2 mini brownies, along with a few spoonfuls of leftover frosting (sue me, the stuff's delicious)

1 rather large Caesar salad (but with only 1 tbs of dressing)

1 pita with Smart Balance and garlic powder on that had been popped under the broiler

1 WW peanut butter cup ice cream

1 cuppa Earl Grey with the Truvia packet in (tried that? v.v. good)

1 handful mix of pretzels, mini Doritos, Cheetos, and cheese Sun Chips (curious as to taste of the mix, and I approve)

V.v. excited about lunch and the Jane Austen Society meeting on Saturday with Rhonda!

Watched the latest episode of Doctor Who tonight while the family was out. Sooo still not measuring up to the previous 3 seasons. Feels a bit shambolic, like the first season did. Oh well. And they've brought back River Song who I did not care for in the first place.

Can't end on a note like that. This is much nicer. He'll always be my Doctor.

5.12.10

I know, it's technically the 13th but I didn't think to post before this.

I'm an emotional eater. And a bored eater. And a "I have nothing else to do so I may as well" eater. Which is not good for me. Cos I've put back nearly 15 pounds where they'd so happily come off. And it's making me angry at myself, thinking I can't change anything so why even try? I can't control my financial/employment situation. I can't control being single (at least I don't think I can). But I sure-as-hell should be able to control my weight.

Why is it so much easier to fantasise about the way you'd like to look, how life would be if you were a size (insert insanely ridiculous number here), how much happier you'd be? Do you ever pick an outfit up in a shop, imagine how you'd look in it, then go try it on and want to cry and throw it on the floor and jump up and down on it in despair only you don't cos you'd have to see yourself in your skivvies in the full-length mirror under harsh lighting? (and it'd muck the item up for the lucky sod who would fit into it and look nice) I do that. In my mind, I don't look nearly this bad. Then I get in front of that mirror and I know hate. Despair. Rage. Sadness.

I often wonder if life will get any better. Some part of me does still believe it will, but some days, it's all I can do to hold on to that. While praying for a friend today, I thought, "Lord, please speak, for we want to hear. If You do not fill the silence, we will hear those we should not and listen to those we must not." It's true. So often my ears are filled with "you're not good enough" and my eyes are assaulted with "you don't look like this." The natural conclusion? I believe I am not good enough, that I will never deserve to look nice in a bathing suit (or, indeed, nothing at all), that I will never have a man look at me and say "you're beautiful and I love you and I want you" (in whichever order). And I know it's ridiculous to set all this down for people to read, but sometimes you just have to say/write what you feel. And this is what I feel. That I will never have those things. But I want them. Sometimes, I do feel like I deserve them. That I am a damn good catch and someone would be lucky to have me. I can cook. I'm witty. I'm intelligent, curious, excitable, giving, spiritual, seeking, wanting more, loyal, and passionate (or at least I would be if I felt comfortable with *him*). Loads more but one doesn't like to brag. =) I believe there's more out there, that the world is a beautiful, terrifying, mad place. There have been sooo many changes in the last few years, and I'm thankful for almost all of them. I'm not at the place Nouwen said we must be when we can be thankful for everything that happened to us, for that's what made us who we are. I'm getting there, though. And I need to make more changes. I can keep up with something for a few weeks, but I do get easily distracted and discouraged. The joy of being an ENFP. And a cancer. Interesting mix, that. But then, if you're reading this you probably know me and would agree I'm a bit off.

Mum's starting this medical weight loss thing with injections and vitamins and doctor visits and it costs a right fortune and I turned down her offer to pay for me to do it. I feel like, for me, that'd be cheating. Of course, if she drops 40 pounds in 3 months or something I might have to reevaluate my position. But I want to earn it. Get back to counting points or whatever, keeping track of what I eat, deciding if it's wise to eat the packet of Maltesers taunting me in the ethnic food aisle at Publix (where, frankly, I should not be allowed to go cos it reminds me of the shops in London and I miss them so), and running. I loved the running.

I think my imagination will have to help me out with this some more. The old (well, from September) trick of imagining I've been separated from the Doctor and I have to get to him by crossing some alien city or desert or rainforest. Have to keep walking. Keep running. Keep trying. Cos he's worth it. I'm worth it.

And we have to have a picture of David Tennant, just cos he makes me feel better.

Oh, and food I ate on 12th May...

1 cup of Fiber One Caramel Delight cereal with a splash of milk (2% cos Bridgette refuses to go to 1% or skim and it's killing me)

1.5 slices of pork tenderloin in this lovely lemon garlic marinade

1 serving of the frozen Green Giant Weight Watchers 1 point niblets in butter sauce that is actually so very good I almost heated up another

.5 cup green beans

.5 fried chicken breast

1 spoon mashed potato

1 spoon green bean casserole

1 piece of pizza (that I regretted immediately)

1 spoon cornbread pudding thing that I want to find out who makes it cos I love it and needs must have the recipe for myself

1 pirouline cookie

1 of Kirsta's cookies

1 small sliver of key lime pie (love the stuff)

1 100 calorie ice cream sandwich

At least the Quality Street's gone. That stuff's addicting. And I won't allow myself to buy anymore.

5.3.10

Hi. It's me. The slacker. Cos that's me. Bad. Very bad. Need to change that. Need to change lots of things. But I've been emotionally down lately (more so than usual), and that's my excuse. Also travelling.

The food has not been great lately, but I will chalk a lot of that up to being away and in people's homes where I can't dictate what's going to be eaten. Not that anyone was forcing me to eat the tavern crisps at The Fredericksburg Pub along with drinking a pint of Magner's and Harp mixed into the heavenly delight that is the Snakebite. Or to drink a pint of Boddington's ale or a bottle of Smithwicks. Or, indeed, three (count them, three) bourbon slushes at the Kentucky Derby party. But those were fantastic. Worth every calorie and alcohol unit. Also the Derby pie, which had even more bourbon in. I've been told repeatedly I drink like a man. I'm okay with that. None of your fruity umbrella drinks, thankyouverymuch. Also, Ukrops birthday cake. I live in South Carolina, where we have no Ukrops to tempt us to sin. I was going to have a piece of cake, dammit! Also pick extra bits of frosting off the cardboard where it had been left...

Exercise. I like doing it. Really, I do. Most of the time. It's just not conducive to health to run on a bridge one thinks one might jump off. So I've avoided it. But I will get back to it, as I have decided to live in hope and not in despair. As Marilla told Anne, to be in the depths of despair is to have given up on God. And I can't do that. I have to believe. Else... what's the point?

So. I will be getting back to it. Honestly. Have to. Cos I'm tired of tired and hating what I see in the mirror. Especially since I live so near the beach and would like to spend time on it without fear of being pushed into the sea by environmentalists bent on returning me to my "natural habitat."